Tears Of A Clown: Four years of Silence Ends Today(PT.1)

"...I fell in love with this fish who got caught in my mesh, but yo she burned my scene up like David Koresh, I guess A Diamond ain’t nothing but A rock with a name, I guess love ain’t nothing but emotion and game. It’s a lesson well earned, so praise is well due..." — De La Soul

No one ever said the road toward mental health and wellness would be easy. No one told us that healing would require losing everything, and still choosing peace. This means how you look at life, how you eat and consume foods, as well as, the people you are around and associate yourself with. 

Its been 4 years since I have begun my journey and I have remained silent as to the chain of events of how that journey actually started. During that time, my Name and my Character has been dragged, and throughout that time I have kept it Honourable and have turned away from it. I've heard the talk, seen the treatment and ignored the lies spoken about me....Today, it Ends.

The Devil will always use its best agents to do the work in pulling you down. Sometimes, the ones sent to destroy you are the very ones you loved the most. In my case, The devil has sent an individual who knew some of the most intimate details about me. An individual whom I had Loved, an Individual with whom I share 3 beautiful children with, an individual whom I sacrificed my dreams to make her dreams a reality.

Imagine, the disbelief of a sheriff knocking on my door one morning, as my daughter Marley and I sat eating breakfast, serving me with a protective order for violence against her. Violence towards a woman. A phrase so far from my character and who I am. It felt like a cruel joke.

Throughout my life, I've prided myself on being a man of Honour and Integrity. Ask every woman I've ever known, they will tell you, I've never been physically or verbally abusive to any woman in my lifetime. I walk away with my head high, even if my heart is breaking inside. It’s just who I am. And in 21 years together, It had been No different with her. My range of emotions went from Shock to disbelief, to straight laughter just to mask the hurt I was feeling.

Kiyomi filed a Protective order against me claiming Violence

What A Fool I was...

I remember July 31st, 2021 like it was yesterday: I was dying from COVID-19, barely able to breathe, when I got a text from her, as she sat in the very next room, the text read

"I'm done with this relationship....."

She blamed me for "..bringing COVID into the house.." as if I had gone shopping for it. like, I went to a grocery store and asked 'YO! Ya'll got any COVID-19 back there, let me get like, two 16oz bottles of that and whatever else Ya'll got back there'...I laid there, read the text and didn't even respond back. 21 years ended right there.That was it.

I didn’t ask her why? Didn’t Plead for us to work it out, didn’t make any promises to be a better partner. I just closed my phone, continued to lay in that bed preparing myself and my mind to die at any moment from the disease. Why? Because that's how far gone I was from choosing myself.

As a Man, society makes you feel like asking for Help is weakness.. And For almost 50 years, I believed it.

Surrounded by Peace and Tranquility

I went through the 1st 49 years of my life devoid of seeking Happiness for myself,.There was no place in my being where I was even looking for it...What a Phucked Up way to live! But that was what I had been living. I wore the tears of a clown, thinking: “If I pour into others, eventually joy will pour back into me.” I dominated every sport I played(except baseball), excelled at every project I touched. But that 'Donny Hathaway type inner turmoil' stayed with me.

 In a conversation with a friend and I, she once said “..You’re a beautiful soul Es, sort of a walking contradiction, what you present is not who you truly are..” I chuckled and asked her ‘what do you see when you look at me?’

She said “..You’re an 'Extroverted Introvert', i’m not sure if that’s even a thing, but you are that. You have a presence about you and when you walk into a room everyone notices, they may not say anything, but they all see you. And, You Hate That!.....you would rather move about the room unnoticed by all. You’re an individual that’s popular that would do anything to sit at the table laughing and joking with the ‘unpopular kids’, like I said, you're a walking contradiction Es..”

After an awkward pause, I laughed again, but only to move onn from the truth of someone actually SEEING ME. I was impressed and scared of her at the same time. I’ve always appreciated her perspective and her actually sharing that with me. I've always been a gentleman, to Ladies.

Since my split in 2021, I chose me for the first time in my life. I dedicated myself to healing, to wellness, to becoming whole better Individual. Diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes during our relationship, my A1C was once a deadly 14.5 with my blood sugar level being at 398. My doctor asked me once “..are you trying to die Mr Eschoe..”....As of yesterday, My A1C is 6.6 and my Blood sugar is 132. I am at my healthiest i've ever been in my life. I have found the Happiness and Joy that I had been missing all these years.  I wouldn't sacrifice that for ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

After a workout

My 1st Time in Paris

The Historic Semana, D.R

But healing didn't mean peace came easily. I stayed silent while my name was dragged, while friends, whom I thought were my friends too, turned cold, while lies spreading faster than wildfire I stayed silent, until now. Not to give my side, but simply to tell the truth.

I've witnessed first hand the "fake tears" and Convulsions being displayed when she needed to have her way. I've literally seen her "Performative Shaking" with "Fear" when she felt she needed sympathy and to control the "Optics" just so her claims can be more believable.

I've seen her Weaponized and used the Black Woman's Trauma and Vulnerability like a tool whenever she needed it. Not used to heal, but to harm. Not used for community, but for personal gain. The sad part is, they're women around the Globe going through and dealing with REAL TRUAMA'S as such, so to have someone weaponize their ordeal for there own personal gain diminishes those women actual struggles.

There's NO ONE around her in her "village" as she likes to call them that she cares about besides herself. It's embarrassing to me that I didn't see who she was sooner, let alone have children with someone who played the role so well. I was the Fool, I own it and I have to live with that. It hurts to realize the woman I once trusted, had zero care or loyalty to anyone but herself.

It hurts even more when I realize that,  I stayed too long. I accepted too little. I lost myself while trying to save someone who never wanted to be saved.

Today though, I reclaim my voice.

What I don't live with anymore is being "over talked" in private and public anymore.

What I don't live with anymore is being made to feel like I was less than.

What I don't live with anymore is the feeling that I was "Against the Black Woman" If I didn't agree with her and suggested us to do things another way.

What I don't live with anymore is being Chastised and Guilted in being a "..Real Man.."...like, whom exactly is the "MAN" you're comparing me to🤷🏿‍♂️?

Is there Another MAN that Paid EVERY BILL, RENT and EVERY MORTGAGE PAYMENT for 20 years that she knows and I'm not aware of?

Is there Another MAN that sacrificed his own dreams to make HER DREAMS a reality?

Now here we are, a whole 4 years later, and now your taking me to court On A blatant lie by accusing me of Violence towards you, only as an attempt to keep me away from businesses I co-own, and trying to force me to sell a home just so that you can get your"..50% of the F*cking equity.." of a house you never paid a SINGLE BILL or MORTGAGE in for 21 years. 

This Protective Order has caused me to loose several gigs because my background check came back with a Violent Protective Order currently against me. My travel documents have been REVOKED pending a "..review and investigation.." by U.S. Customs and Border Protection. All this over a lie, All this so that she can control a narrative. All this for greed.

Laying claims that the 4 businesses that we co founded in which I Not only worked, but worked another job to sustain the payments of those businesses and the salaries of our employees, Stating that I was just “...administrative help..” As it states in the Protective Order SHE filed against me. She has done interviews in magazines and news papers with ZERO mentions of my contributions and my position as co owner. The narrative has been how as a woman, and as a Black woman she has done everything to get here all by herself. I could care less about the lack of acknowledgement when she does interviews, but to write false allegations about me in court documents and stating my contributions as "..administrative help..". Huh? lol...Sometimes you gotta laugh to keep from crying good peoples.

I woke up at 6 am, Made Every product, labeled and packed EVERYTHING you see here, and, she came in 5 hours later , put an apron onn, took this pic, posted to social media...then left.

As if folks didn't see me for the past 25 years not only shooting NFL Games, but working at The Ke’nekt, 404 Grounds, The Good Hair Shop and our non profit Three Seed Collective?...I have to admit, what she Lacks in Integrity, she makes up for it in Audacity.

On the Sidelines shooting Monday Night Football

Busy Making Products

Making more products

I'm also a Barista:)

You would think that I'd be Mad and Upset, but truthfully, all I am is disappointed in myself for not spotting the person she truly is sooner... there's Nothing I've sated in this blog that can't be backed up by Screenshots /PDF/Audio/Video Recordings. And that goes for information I still haven't yet made public.

I was a fool for a time, I own that. But I'm nobody’s fool anymore.

Today, after four years of healing in silence, I choose to heal out loud, because suffering in silence only protects the ones who does harm to you.

To anyone on your own journey to mental health and wellness, You are not weak for hurting. You are not broken because you believed. You are not lost because you loved too much.

Healing is ugly sometimes... It’s lonely sometimes... It’s brutal sometimes.

But healing is worth it. And, You are worth it.

Stay the course. Choose yourself. And when the Devil sends his best agents, stay standing. Because your Peace is your Victory.

I'd like to tell you that my fight is over, but it isn't. I am still battling with her for the above mentioned and still in a stance of what lie will she concoct next in an attempt to break my character and to see me fail.. Please keep me prayed up. I will continue to keep you guys abreast of whats happening on this matter.....To Be Continued

Sky Garden, London U.K.

LOL......

My Takeaway:

If there's one thing this journey has taught me, it's that healing often feels like breaking first. I had to lose the life I thought I was building to find the life I was meant to live. I had to stand in rooms alone where I once stood surrounded by people I loved. I had to swallow lies about me, betrayals I never deserved, and heartaches I never asked for. But through it all, I found something deeper, I found Me. Healing showed me that peace isn’t given by others, it’s something you claim for yourself, even when it hurts. I’m learning that happiness isn't something you wait for, it’s something you create, breath by breath, day by day.

If you’re on your own path to mental wellness, know this, you are not crazy, you are not broken, and you are not alone. You are simply becoming who you were always meant to be.

In short: Choose yourself. Choose truth over optics. Choose life, peace, and happiness over toxicity.And, Inspire others to do the same.

-Please leave a comment and share your thoughts; Hopefully I'm not on this Journey Alone

#Love #ThankYou #MyJourney #Transformation #BlackFolxsTravel